Enormous Relief...

The visa came through. I almost can't believe it. My life now has a direction again.

I really thought I wouldn't care if I didn't get it and had prepared myself for that eventuality. Oh, I would have been disappointed for sure, but at times I strongly wished I hadn't applied for it at all and that I could just be told NO right away for then I could have got on with my life. The stress of it was crippling. I really just wanted some kind of certainty. To know that I could rely on being in the same place in six months time and to get out of this limbo-land I've been inhabiting for what seems like years. On top of that, there was all the worry about the world financial turmoil and it's affect on the job market in the UK, and not having a home and not having a job to support myself over there, when I have a perfectly good home, family and a good potentially-permanent job here... well to say the least, the grass seemed a lot greener on this side of the fence and even thinking of going over the to UK amounted to a particularly insane kind of madness.

Now I am going back to the UK. This time, it seems for certain, although I still won't believe it fully until I'm back there. But I am so very glad I applied for that visa it's overwhelming.

Yesterday afternoon my head was spinning so much I couldn't concentrate and I was happy and shitting myself like crazy at the same time. It takes me a while to get my head around swift changes in direction and I'm a tad panic prone at times as most of you would know... I always deal well with the action required in a crisis and I keep my focus and deal with what needs to be dealt with but I'm shaking and sharp and shrill by the end of it. When there isn't a crisis I can fence sit in my personal life until the damn thing's rammed right through my soul with indecision! Thank goodness that Dad & Carol decided we should go out to celebrate and that we went to a pub and that I imbibed two schooners of Kilkeny else I'm sure I never would have slept last night.

BUT. Today I know that applying for the visa was the right decision. Today, except for the minor worry about a job, I'm not panicking at all. In fact, Today I'm quite stupidly happy. I keep bursting into a wide grin and find tears springing to my eyes at odd moments. I've been so flat for so long, not knowing where my life was going, that it is like the proverbial weight has been lifted and I'm floating away on giggles!

It is so brilliantly wonderful that I finally know where I'm going, even if I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there, and that that destination is just that bit alien and a good challenge is super fantastic... I can feel the life (or maybe it's adrenaline) firing in my blood again. From being apathetic and somnolent, I am energised and buzzing like mad! I definitely know I'm alive! Thank you world! It is great to feel good again.

*Deep Sigh* Yes. This is what I want. So happy. :)