Fear Strikes Again

Towards the end of last year, I attended my brothers wedding. The gathering of relatives led to the inevitable questions regarding the life choices of their respective offspring. I was spared a direct interrogation, but there was one question asked, which so interested and bothered my mother, that she  relayed it on to me: Am I planning on returning to Australia or staying in the UK indefinitely?

Very strangely (perhaps familiarly?), this threw me for a bit of a six. By reading this blog, you should know that I do panic when the new confronts me. Depending on the severity of the impact to myself, it can be a panic of a second, through to a headless chicken marathon of weeks. It's my default response. I know and (try to) compensate for it.

However, I thought this "Where I'm going to be in 5 years" thingamy had been sorted. I've had so many flip flops of fate, life turning upside down, then spinning right side up again, that I felt I should have become accustomed to it. That living just year by year should be OKAY.

Apparently not.

I came to the UK because I'd got myself into a rut, an uncomfortable mindless existence, in Canberra. I had to do something radical to find myself again, to free myself from fear, and I did that. Now I find I've got myself into a similar, this time comfortable (albeit much more precarious) rut in London. I haven't settled down, I haven't bought a surplus of kitchen appliances, and I still live out of boxes, but I also have somehow moved into the mindset that this would be an indefinite state of affairs.

So the question slapped me. I need to start planning for the future again.

I can (hopefully) qualify for Indefinite Leave to Remain in May. But does that mean I want to stay in the UK permanently? I definitely know I want to stay that long, and even longer if possible. There is still so much of Europe I haven't seen. I want to visit Brugge, Prague, Rome, Venice, drive the Fairy Tale Road, sail down the Nile, visit Gallipoli... But I also don't want to live in London forever. The Tube disgusts me, the people annoy me, the economy isn't great (although it is picking up), and it's very polluted. I like the weather. Call me strange, but I like the cold, however, I can't really picture myself living in an English country village either, so clean air out of a major city... not so appealing. And I want to be there for mum. She's getting on, she's alone, and she is thinking of downsizing in the next five years. So, home does call... and sooner rather than later.

So, as of now, I'm planning on going back to Aus eventually. I first have to get my ILR. If I don't, all other questions are moot. If I get it though, then I'll write myself a bucket list of places I want to go before I leave Europe. Then when that's done, I'll go home.

So... future planned!