Backblog: On Fear

Backblog from January 2012

I did another thing that scared me tonight: I auditioned for the Bart's Chamber Choir. I didn't do too well - my voice is not as smooth as it once was and it takes a lot of continuous practice to get good, and it's been years since I sang regularly, but anyway, I'll just have to wait and see if I got in or not.

The thing was, the fear....

I felt a little, a momentary twinge, but I pushed it away and it went away and althoguh I was slightly nevous, I wasn't a mess.

When I first did auditions for GS, I was a complete mess.
By the end of my 8-year stint, it was still scary, but not blood curdling.

When I was sixish, I refused to join a swimming team because I was afraid of compettion. I wasn't a bad swimmer either and could possibly have been a lot better, but chieckened out.

Up until I was 13 or 14, I was terrified of making phone calls - the whole what do you say to the person on the other end had me in complete knotts.

My first job, my first trip in an air plane, my first trip OS... all terrified me. I was litterally shaking in my shoes.

I used to let fear stop me from doing things, and avoided all situations and events that could cause it like the plague. Now I actively hunt it - when I feel it, it tells me there's a problem to solve and I need to investigate it. I still have some hot potatoes' in my psyche that I haven't managed to tame into submission yet - large social gatherings is one of them, but I have it on my radar to try to fix. Finding a partner is another, but again, I'm working on it.

I used to flee, now I fight. Is this intelligence or the dulling of sensations with age? Like tastebuds, you can't stand the curry in your youth that is the favourite dish of your older years.

Whatever it is, I like it!