Living on a knife's edge.

Time for my visa renewal, and as always, drama and panic ensues.

I can't help it, I'm hot-wired for panic. Oh, not when physical danger attacks - then I act. No, I only panic and go to pieces when something attacks me emotionally. No matter how much time I spend trying to understand my triggers, deal with my issues, learn about why I react the way I do, the minute I'm confronted with something that is an emotional sore point, I suffer almost physical paralysis, while the mice in my head run around frantically in increasingly tighter circles.

Gah.

I may not qualify this time around. For the visa I mean. I may, but I may not. I have no idea - yet again - where I'm going to be living in 2 months time. The ground has been whipped out from under my feet and I'm free falling. I read the application notes two months ago and came to the conclusion I qualified. I read them today and discovered I did not. I'm sure they're the same notes. Lots of phone calls to lots of people later and I may have a chance. But I may not.

Shit.

I am slightly prouder of myself this time around though - I'm still reeling, and my heart is still doing intermittent cartwheels, but I'm thinking now. And taking action too. I only spent an hour in blind panic instead of days of it. And I made a decision; all within 12 hours of discovering I had no hope.

Bah.

You know you're alive when you can't breath.


A poem, for perspective, suggested by my adored mother.

ITHACA

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

C.P. Cavafy